The sock goblin and the f***ing fairy who picks up the house when everyone is asleep …

The f'ing fairy who cleans the house looks pretty sick and tired too

The f’ing fairy who cleans the house looks pretty sick and tired too

I love my family.  I would do almost anything for my family.  This includes my siblings, my dad, my in laws.  And I mean it.  I would do ALMOST anything as long as it does not include laundry.  Or polka music.  That being said, let us discuss some myths about how a household is ran.

The first myth is the sock goblin.  If my children cannot find matching socks and my husband is wearing a white sock and a black sock, blame the sock goblin.  I learned long ago that with so many children who are all wearing basically the same socks (ankle socks in the summer and long socks in the winter, either white or black) it is easier to throw all the boys socks in one basket and all of my husbands in another rather than trying to sort them out and figure who is wearing what type of socks.  Whether the socks make it out of the wash intact and paired is another story.  I am not sure if there is a sock goblin or if there is a pile of missing socks sitting in a dark corner of one of the boys bedrooms (looking at you #4)  so I cannot debunk this myth.  I am glad that mismatched socks are all the rage right now though.  My kids were finally been ahead of the fashion curve on this one.

The second myth is the tooth fairy.  I am all for keeping childhood memories intact and go along with the Easter Bunny, Santa  Claus and even that damn Elf On a Shelf but the tooth fairy?  I am paying my kids for losing teeth that I already paid a dentist to keep healthy?  Not to mention the cost of toothpaste, floss, toothbrushes, and mouthwash?  This is one of the strangest childhood myths and by the time the kids lost their baby teeth I could have paid for college.  (Just joking, I’m not on Teen Mom for gods sake!)   Plus, there are all the questions that come from said children over the tooth fairy.  Where do the teeth go?  They grind them down to make fairy dust.  How does she get in my room?  The same way Santa does, through a secret portal.  Why does the tooth fairy sometimes forget to leave money under my pillow?  Because the tooth fairy is very disorganized and fell asleep on the couch while watching Bravo.   Plus, the tooth fairy didn’t have any cash and is not leaving her debit card under a 5 year old’s pillow.   I still go along with the myth but grudgingly.

The third myth is that there is a f***ing fairy that makes sure the house is picked up after everyone goes to bed.  This myth needs to die and soon.  I am not a house elf and my name is not Dobby.  At the end of the evening, when everyone has been fed (leftovers count), baths taken, and lunches made, a miracle happens.  While everyone else is upstairs snug in their beds, mom gets to pick up all the crap that has re-accumulated since she picked up 2 hours earlier.  All the homework left out on the table, all the cups picked up out of the living room, all the socks laying all over the house (the sock goblin must keep graveyard hours) and all the litter that accompanies children and spouses who cannot quite make it to a trash can.

That’s right. The fairy is real and she is tired and muttering bad words under her breath the entire time.  It goes something like this. “I cannot believe they just walked past that wrapper.  How freaking hard is it to put your shoes in the mudroom?  Oh my god, there’s only two right shoes?  Who the F loses only their left shoe?!?  I swear to god one day I’m just going to sit on my ass and see how quickly the house falls apart.”  In regards to the last one, I have tried this and it doesn’t work.  Turns out the kids and S.O. don’t value tidiness as much as I thought.

The solution to the problem could be that I need to have the kids pick up after themselves more often.  To ask the S.O. to help me pick up.  To staple their socks to their foreheads. The fairy will probably still grumble and grouse about picking up but it is easier than herding said children and hubby into a cleaning corral and prodding them to do it.  The real solution is that I like waking up in the morning to a picked up house and I like the way that I do it.  So, this myth can die but it won’t.  But the tooth fairy?  That one is ready for the ax.


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One Comment, RSS

  1. Sheila March 16, 2016 @ 6:59 am

    I know the struggles everyone but dad does not care if our socks match and never have and the house well I would rather just do the cleaning instead of listening to attitudes. The struggle is so real with a six pack of kids and their father

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