(**Warning: contains poop and vomit***)
So, Tuesdays are my running errands day. It used to be Fridays but so many people had the same idea and I don’t like people so I switched to Tuesdays. I get #4, #5, and #6 up and ready for school. I let #7 sleep in until it’s time to leave and then we rush around trying to find matching socks because we are going out in public, duh.
Once the matching (or close enough anyway) socks are found, we are on our way. We live about 15 miles in any direction from a decent sized town or even small city. It’s like a mini trip every Tuesday. We run to the bank (it feels so deliciously old fashioned), stop for doughnuts (like this doesn’t happen every morning) and then go to the various stores that require our money. By the time I’m finished it’s time for #7 to wake up from his car induced nap and pick up #6.
This Tuesday was supposed to be the same. I woke up #4, and #5 and #6. #4 was already dressed and ready to go. #5 was hibernating underneath a huge mound of blankets but said he was up. #6 was thrown into the shower and vaguely claimed that she did not feel good. She said her tummy hurt. I asked if she had to poop. The usual.
#6 started coughing about 1 minute into her shower. It was a hoarse barking cough that immediately made me flash back to the croup days. After I uncurled myself from the fetal position after the flashback I asked her if she was okay. She replied, yep, just got snot. Alright than.
Shower done and dressed, #6 casually mentions that her tummy still hurts. She swears she doesn’t have to poop (which is the #1 reason for stomach aches in my house) and that she doesn’t want to eat. Now there are only 16 days left of school and I have been down this road of a kid suddenly wanting to be sick in the last couple of weeks of school. She had no fever, hadn’t puked, so no reason not to send her to school.
Flash forward 3 hours and I’ve been to the bank, had doughnuts, gotten the oil changed on the car and am on my way to lunch with my mum-in-law and sister-in-law. As I settle down at the All-You-Can-Eat Pizza buffet, my phone rings. It’s the grade school.
#6 has just puked all over the lunch table and it’s her second go round with bringing up the content of her stomach, the first occasion was during P.E. I am about 25 miles away and feeling like the worst parent in the world. #3 was home from his college classes so he was able to go retrieve his sick sister from school for me. I rushed home with ginger ale and crackers.
#6 spent the better part of the afternoon napping in my bed and running to the bathroom. My poor sick kiddo. Than #7 announced he had to pee. I naively told him to go ahead while I wiped #6’s face off with a wet hand cloth. #7 is doing very well with potty training and I did not think that he might not just have to pee.
#7 comes out of my bathroom with a grin on his face and a stench accompanying him. He announces that he has “made a big poop.” I am frozen like a deer in the headlights. We have not successfully pooped in the potty yet. He can pee with the best of them but his poop barometer is a little off. I jump up and the horror slowly dawns on me. He is covered, from his stomach to his feet, in shit. Literally.
I go into the bathroom and it appears that he has used the potty as toilet paper. There is poop everywhere. It looks like Mount Poopsuvious has erupted. I am trying to breathe through my mouth and hustle him in to the shower to hose him off. I am a poop cleaning machine. And then …
#6 announces she is going to be sick. I am in the middle of cleaning the toilet off while trying to strong arm #7 under the shower head. She is gagging and barely makes it to the toilet. Now, my life is complete. A poop covered 2 year old in the shower who thinks he is funny and a deathly ill 6 year old who is heaving up her weight in liquid.
The next time someone says that they are stressed out or that their kids are driving them crazy, remember this tale. The day that my son shit himself in the bathroom while his sister was puking in the toilet. And this is why mommy needs to drink while cooking dinner.
(About an hour after this occurred, #6 was again making sick in the toilet when #7 announces he has to pee. I learned my lesson and accompanied him to the bathroom where he announced he was going to pee in a cup. Because #6 was already mid throw up to the porcelain goddess, #7 got to pee in the shower, down the drain. He is officially a boy. Welcome to my life. Also, don’t use my bathroom anytime soon.)