You know how they say you should never go to bed angry? I call b.s. You should never write a blog while angry though. I have started out this morning but getting into it with my darling dear S.O. The love of my life, the man I share a bed and life with, is a huge jerk. Not all the times but the times that he is he makes up for all the times he wasn’t.
I was going to write about all the ways that he is a jerk and inconsiderate and basically an a-hole. I was going to pour my hurt and anger into a diatribe because it would be better than engaging him. Except it wouldn’t. It would be out there for everyone to read and make assumptions and judgements about. And I wouldn’t be able to take it back when this all blows over.
Arguing with your S.O. can be cathartic. It can be constructive and actually help your relationship. It’s called communicating. But it also can be damaging and petty. I don’t want to damage my relationship. I want it to be stronger and to always continue to work on our relationship. I am on the path to becoming a licensed family counselor so I should know how to talk to my husband without it dissolving into an argument, right?
If I were a mechanic, I would still have car problems. If I was a doctor, I could still get sick. Why is it that because I am a mom and a wife I think that I have to constantly calm/fix things with my husband and because I am in social services that I should know how to communicate with him without fighting? It’s silly. We are humans and we have feelings that get hurt and we say things that make that hurt transfer to someone else. It’s hard to avoid and I’m not always going to be able to not do it.
So, instead of writing about what a jerk he was this morning I will try to focus on why we got into it at 6 in the morning. We were both tired, him from working so many hours and me from staying up late and having the kids for so many hours without help. Today is a rough day for me, what would have been my mom’s 68th birthday. My feelings are already on red alert and I am sensitive today. My S.O. may or may not remember what today is and he certainly has no idea how I’m feeling today because I haven’t told him. He is not a mind reader and although he is pretty good about picking up when I’m upset he is not inside my head. He couldn’t find his wallet or favorite work shorts and I thought that was his own problem of not being organized. Which it is. It is also my job to help my family find things, because obviously I have a tracking device in my uterus (classic Roseanne Barr joke pre-Roseanne.)
I am not mad at him anymore even though my plans to have a birthday lunch with my sister is now on hold. I am not going to try to hold on to the anger that I felt this morning when he dismissed my feelings and did not acknowledge what today is. I am not going to be held hostage by feeling mad and angry and sad and hurt. I want to enjoy this day and enjoy the kids (at least for the first few hours) and not spend it sulking.
When he gets home from work tonight, we will find time to talk about it in between feeding kids, bathing kids, and attempting to get kids to sleep. I will let him know how much my feeling were hurt and he will let me know how much he needs help to get organized because he is stretched thin with work. I know this because we make an effort to talk about why we were fighting. Sometimes it works and sometimes it’s best to let it go.
What I have learned about fighting with my S.O. is that it is normal, it can be healthy to have open disagreements, and that it will not last forever. We married for better or worse and all days cannot be sunshine and roses. Also, go to bed angry. Fighting while tired is stupid. Waking up in the morning and not remembering what you were arguing about is better than rehashing everything until you go to sleep. Plus, I really need my sleep.